


Bacon (and other things Chanyeol eats for breakfast)

by baekkieony



Series: Exoverse [3]
Category: EXO (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempt at Humor, ChanBaek - Freeform, Explicit Language, Funny, Group chat, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Or At Least I Tried, Swearing, This Is STUPID, a lot of swearing, but kris luhan and tao still left for china, chat language, dumb, exo group chat we all waited for, non famous exo, other tags and ppl to be added, the group chat during their college time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-03-10 14:11:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13503192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekkieony/pseuds/baekkieony
Summary: the exo group chat nobody asked for during the time all ppl from the exoverse are going to college. this is a fucking train wreck and definitely not funny





	1. Friendzones and a lonely Junmyeon

**Author's Note:**

> to clarify: this is set after Baekhyun and Chanyeol have gotten together and Luhan, Kris and Tao left to study in China and yeah, relationships have changed, Sekai are fuckfriends, Lay has something with Junmyeon after he realized that Sehun is a no-no (and currently is spending a year abroad in china) and well, Kyungsoo is together with Jongdae while Luhan is with Minseok. Complicated, I know.
> 
> Chanyeol: yeolconda/adopted  
> Baekhyun: bacon/victim  
> Junmyeon: singlemom/divorced  
> Kris: boiledegg/accident/single  
> Luhan: deer/twink  
> Minseok: baozi  
> Tao: guccibitch/igetlonely  
> Yixing: lonely/imported  
> Jongdae: chesirecat  
> Jongin: chickenluver2003/dumb&dumber/runningkfc  
> Sehun: senshine  
> Kyungsoo: satan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanyeol regrets this group chat, nobody wants Kris to be there and Baekhyun is thirsty

_yeolconda created new groupchat: bacon (and other things Chanyeol eats for breakfast)  
_

 

_yeolconda added bacon, singlemom, boiledegg, chesirecat, deer, guccibitch, lonely, chickenluver2003, senshine, satan and baozi_

 

yeolconda: guys!!!!

yeolconda: we finally have our own groupchat

yeolconda: **parties** **alone**

 

senshine: this is literally like

senshine: the saddest thing i've ever heard

 

yeolconda: no need to be salty just bc nobody wants you

yeolconda: I have a lot of friends bitch

 

boiledegg: you call them friends

boiledegg: they call you an accident

 

yeolconda: kris

yeolconda: you know fucking what

yeolconda: you have literally no fucking right to speak

yeolconda: bc I didnt left this fucking group

 

singlemom: well

singlemom: he has point

 

boiledegg: youre not gonna defend me?

 

singlemom: id rather burn myself alive

 

boiledegg: bitch

 

singlemom: cheater

 

satan: in all lovely honesty

satan: I didnt sign up for this

satan: they told me there'd be nice guys and a lot of good food at college.

satan: instead I got a bunch of 4 year olds, a depressed single mom and a boyfriend whos more interested in screaming than in me (and burned burgers)

 

lonely: I can relate to you on a fucking spiritual level

 

bacon: stfu unicorn youre not even in korea rn

bacon: like ffs I have to put up with chanyeol every single fucking day

bacon: I've never regretted something more

 

yeolconda: okay wait wtf

yeolconda: why am I the victim now???

yeolconda: tf did I do???

 

senshine: you exist.

 

yeolconda: you little piece of shit

yeolconda: run

 

chickenluver2003: what will you do

chickenluver2003: choke him with a hug?

 

baozi: I'd glady support that.

 

guccibitch: y ur using proper language???

guccibitch: were talking thru chat

 

baozi: I'm educated

baozi: what's your excuse?

 

boiledegg: omg

boiledegg: minseok's a savage

 

yeolconda: and youre a piece of shit

 

boiledegg: you are one reason why I left

 

yeolconda: well, I dont regret anything then

 

boiledegg: stfu lanky asshole

 

yeolconda: at least I dont look like a boiled egg

 

boiledegg: LOW

boiledegg: BLOW

 

yeolconda: sorry, i prefer an actual dick over your fucking tic tac

 

guccibitch: at least he has a cool image

 

yeolconda: at least I can pay for my gucci myself

 

guccibitch: FuCK oFF

 

satan: leave tao alone

satan: he's the only one who ever appreciated my food

 

guccibitch: aww kyungsoo

guccibitch: **internet hug**

 

bacon: what will you do

bacon: fight his knees?

 

satan: I may not reach chanyeol's neck

satan: but I can reach yours fucker

 

baozi: who's gonna film?

 

chesirecat: ME ME ME ME

 

senshine: kyungsoo is so whipped for tao omg

senshine: its impossible

 

satan: tell me one more time im whipped for tao

satan: and i'll kill your entire blood line

 

senshine: good that im gay af

senshine: the blood line ends with me

 

bacon: literally nothing has changed

 

deer: great to see

deer: were still group bashing kris

 

baozi: u really live from seeing other ppl suffer dont you?

 

deer: I do but you love it

 

baozi: youre so right

baozi: log off I want to skype

 

_deer and baozi logged off._

 

guccibitch: so guys

guccibitch: whats popping rn

 

bacon: me

bacon: chanyeol

 

singlemom: are this the noises I can here?

Singlemom: shut it down a bit pls

 

chickenluver2003: what I find a lot more interesting

chickenluver2003: is that hes writing

chickenluver2003: and getting dicked

 

bacon: multitasking

bacon: but what makes u think hes doing the dicking

 

chickenluver2003: the fact

chickenluver2003: that you literally have the smallest dick ever to be seen

 

bacon: dont talk shit or did you never take a look in your pants :)

 

chickenluver2003: fuck off cockward

 

bacon: fite me bitch

 

chickenluver2003: I would but I dont fight with girls

 

senshine: #baconneedsthesausage

 

bacon: istg

bacon: im so done with this chat

 

boiledegg: same

 

yeolconda: nobody asked you bitch

 

lonely: oh look whos alive

 

chesirecat: did he literally came out of nowhere just to fight kris

 

yeolconda: maybe.

 

chesirecat: omg

chesirecat: I love you

chesirecat: continue with what you were doing

 

yeolconda: bashing kris?

 

chesirecat: yes

 

boiledegg: chanyeol nobody asked you to

 

yeolconda: as if you have any right to speak

 

boiledegg: youre a bitch

 

yeolconda: and youre an asshole

 

_boiledegg changed yeolconda's name to adopted_

 

boiledegg: try me

 

boiledegg: I protecc

 

_adopted changed boiledegg's name to accident_

 

adopted: but I attacc

 

chickenluver2003: he protecc

 

senshine: he attacc

 

chickenluver2003: but most importantly

chickenluver2003: he will seal your bag

 

singlemom: you spend too many time in the internet

singlemom: I really should drop down your internet time

 

bacon: you mean the way kris dropped you?

 

singlemom: ffs baekhyun

singlemom: youre sleeping on the couch tonight

 

bacon: what did I even do?

 

singlemom: write one more word

singlemom: and youre sleeping outside tonight

singlemom: I'll even start a fucking petition

 

satan: i'll gladly support that

 

_bacon changed his name to victim_

 

victim: its always me

victim: always

 

accident: oh come on bitch

 

adopted: literally no one asked you kris

adopted: dont you understand

 

chickenluver2003: but

chickenluver2003: one thing

 

chickenluver2003: how can he sleep on the couch if hes sharing a room with chanyeol?

 

senshine: omg youre literally so ducking dumb

senshine: its a codeword for no sex tonight

 

chickenluver2003: oh

 

_victim changed chickenluver2003's name to dumb &dumber_

 

victim: literally

victim: what do you see in him sehun

 

senshine: it was dark and he doesnt talk a lot

 

dumb&dumber: oh fuck you too

dumb&dumber: youre also sleeping on the couch tonight

 

senshine: no bitch, you have no right to be salty

senshine: i confessed to you yesterday that i have fucking feelings for you

 

victim: and he did what? i mean youre only fuckfriends

 

senshine: well

senshine: he told me to go back

senshine: and when i asked "back to where?"

senshine: he answered "to that motherfucking friendzone you just tried to escape from"

 

_dumb &dumber logged off_

 

senshine: pays you right bitch

 

singlemom: and kris told me he only wanted to get cigarettes

singlemom: and left me for a gucci obsessed panda and a fucking deer

 

singlemom: wasnt I nice enough?

singlemom: didnt I pray enough?

singlemom: should I have left jongdae at the orphanage when we got him?

 

chesirecat: wow thanks mom

 

_chesirecat changed singlemom's name to divorced_

 

singlemom: stfu you are all adopted and you know that

singlemom: yixing's just an import from china

 

_victim changed lonely's name to imported_

 

imported: baekhyun my lovely darling

imported: did I ever tell you

imported: that we should go swimming together one day?

 

victim: you motherfucking asshole

victim: you know exactly that I cant swim for ffs

 

imported: and did I tell you

imported: that I like seeing you suffer

 

accident: what even is this

accident: I thought this was a great and normal group chat

accident: but instead I got this

 

satan: I regret my decision to join this

 

senshine: I regret my decision to join this fucking college

 

imported: can I go back to china yet mom?

 

divorced: oh no bitch

divorced: I wont lose another kid to the void

 

imported: I should have left with kris when there was the chance

 

accident: but do I look like

accident: I would have taken you with me?

 

guccibitch: didnt he tell you that he was a savage?

 

imported: oh fuck you too

 

_imported logged off_

 

adopted: baekhyun

 

victim: yes?

 

adopted: I regret this

adopted: so so much

 

_divorced, adopted, victim, guccibitch, accident, senshine, chesire cat and satan logged off._

 

_dumb &dumber logged in_

 

dumb&dumber: but if "youre sleeping on the couch tonight" means no sex

dumb&dumber: what does "youre sleeping outside tonight" mean then

dumb&dumber: castration????


	2. Spilled tea and lost cases

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanyeol spills the tea and the group get themselves in trouble (as always)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its still a mess, tbh. i would enjoy commenting a lot! :3

_everyone logged in_

 

satan: my cute little sweetie baekhyun

satan: tell me one thing

satan: why is there water all over the bathroom floor?

 

victim: what do u mean?

victim: y are u even asking me

victim: im fucking innocent

 

adopted: honey youre as innocent as fucking youporn

 

victim: bitch

 

adopted: camboy

 

victim: I-

 

guccibitch: UhhHHHHH

guccibitch: chanyeol u broke him

guccibitch: great job u did there

 

satan: great great now we all know that baekhyun is a hoe

satan: nothing new

satan: but can someone finally fucking tell me why there is water all over the floor

satan: IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM FROM ME AND BAEKHYUN WHICH NO ONE ELSE USES???

 

victim: istg im innocent

victim: I even swear on my big pink plushy

 

satan: would you swear on chanyeol?

 

victim: gladly I dont want to lose my plushy lol

 

adopted: wow okay thanks

adopted: at least I know where I stand

 

senshine: at the fucking abyss

senshine: from your relationship

 

dumb&dumber: oh fuck off sehun

dumb&dumber: stop being all depressed

 

senshine: bitch I literally have all right to be pissed asshole

senshine: bc I did nothing wrong

 

satan: ffs sehun

satan: for one time

satan: can you not be your melodramatic self

satan: and shut tf up

 

senshine: excuse me sir

senshine: did I ask for your opinion

senshine: on myself being pissed?

 

satan: …

 

senshine: right

senshine: I dont think so

 

accident: I really dont regret quitting this shit

accident: I so dont

 

adopted: its not like we regretted us letting you leave either

adopted: honestly its vmuch greater without you

 

victim: silent dorms

 

dumb&dumber: always chicken in the house

 

divorced: no lilac extensions in my sink anymore

 

satan: but the best of all

satan: a dad who actually cares about their children

satan: and does not call yixing “that one child I forgot in china”

 

senshine: and a bonus was just u taking a fucking twink and this gucci obsessed bitch with you

senshine: and ffs let yixing go back to korea pls

 

accident: you wish

 

imported: if I may have rights to speak

imported: bc im human too and id like to share my opinion about this with you

imported: the best thing is that everyone in the dorms stopped smoking bc mom wont let anyone just “go and get cigarettes” anymore

 

divorced: I agree vmuch

divorced: thats pretty great

 

dumb&dumber: back to my problem

dumb&dumber: like guys whos fault is it that hes pissed? Mine?

 

adopted: yours

 

imported: yours

 

divorced: yours

 

victim: your face ones

 

senshine: yours

 

dumb&dumber: wow thanks okay mom I get it

dumb&dumber: how could u betray me like this

dumb&dumber: traitor

 

chesirecat: if you're smart sehun

chesirecat: you gonna wait till jongins all starved on sex drive and then you gonna go and present yourself as the best meal he ever had

 

senshine: id like to thank you for that advice

senshine: but jongin isnt bacon

senshine: and I dont have a food kink either

 

victim: bitch neither have I

victim: jongdae just spreaded rumours

 

chesirecat: im sorry that I just thought

chesirecat: that you always wanted chanyeols sausage

 

adopted: jongdae darling

adopted: I really love you a lot

adopted: but im three seconds away from strangling you

 

chesirecat: I feel honoured but no thanks

chesirecat: im too much of a virgin to die

 

deer: bitch youre as virgin as my fucking ass

deer: not even close

 

baozi: sehun, be smart for the first time in your life

baozi: and give yourself and jongin a bit time

baozi: I bet then everything will turn out great

 

divorced: great my ass

divorced: theres literally nothing great about this family

 

baozi: oh fuck off junmyeon, you wanted to be the mom

baozi: but I told you that 10 kids and an unloyal husband isn't a great idea

baozi: everything just bc you never had a real dad who loved you

 

chesirecat: how did we get from the water incident in kyungsoos bathroom

chesirecat: over giving life advice for sehun to junmyeons daddy issues or whatever

chesirecat: when we're as good at managing life as I am in cooking

chesirecat: which should make you all run as fast as you can

 

satan: jongdae

satan: please tell me that isnt your kitchen I can here the alarm from

 

chesirecat: I dont want to say its true but im not able to deny it either

 

satan: istg what did you do this time

satan: I come upstairs

 

chesirecat: dont

chesirecat: even you wont be able to use this pan again

 

baozi: omg are this fire fighters I can see running to our dorms?

 

satan: youre literally so dead jongdae

 

chesirecat: im sorry I just tried to make fish

 

satan: and?

 

chesirecat: but I may have dropped the oil

chesirecat: right into the gas flame

chesirecat: and suddenly the kitchen was burning

 

divorced: omg jongdae are u okay??

divorced: should I be worried??

 

chesirecat: no im fine mom :)

chesirecat: I fled to the library

chesirecat: the old lady at the counter is looking at me weirdly bc I probably smell like I just burned a kfc

 

dumb&dumber: istg if I ever hear that someone did this

dumb&dumber: I personally skin him alive

 

senshine: this is the reason

senshine: why I told you to go to the psychiatrist

senshine: u have serious problems jongs

 

dumb&dumber: I do not

dumb&dumber: my love for chicken just runs a little further

 

senshine: if collecting old uneaten chicken nuggets

senshine: and the bones from the chicken wings you ate in your room

senshine: is what you call love running further

senshine: then im worried than you gonna sell yourself at kfc one day to “become one with the chicken”

 

adopted: guys

adopted: is no one interested in finding out who spilled the water in kyungsoos bathroom?

 

satan: why chanyeol?

satan: do you know something? :)

 

adopted: do I look like it?

 

satan: yes.

 

adopted: but I dont

 

satan: dont lie to me

satan: tell me :)

satan: im not gonna do anything bad

 

adopted: hes gonna kill me

adopted: and im scared

 

satan: it cant be worse than my punishment

 

adopted: believe me

adopted: it is

 

satan: chanyeol

satan: do you remember january, 12, 2013?

 

adopted: you wouldnt

 

satan: and all the nice pictures we made

satan: and the video

satan: and the police report we stole bc there were some secrets of yours in it

satan: and which I still have

 

adopted: you fucking wouldnt

 

satan: I will :)

satan: and likely seeing you suffer forever

 

adopted: it was jongin

 

dumb&dumber: you motherfucking absolute dickhead

dumb&dumber: what did I ever do to you?

 

victim: steal his food

 

imported: eat his last chocolate chips cookie

 

divorced: kick him in the dick

 

senshine: rip his clothes

 

chesirecat: purposely made him lose at mario cart

 

adopted: exist

 

dumb&dumber: okay okay I understand

dumb&dumber: im an asshole and ill apologize

dumb&dumber: sorry chanyeol

 

adopted: its fine.

 

satan: okay but

satan: chanyeol may have forgiven you

satan: but I didnt

satan: and I advise you one thing

satan: better lock your door tonight :)

 

dumb&dumber: im dead fuckmownodn

 

_dumb &dumber logged off_

 

deer: so jongdae

deer: how is the fire going

 

chesirecat: great 

chesirecat: I heard its burning over till china :)

 

baozi: salty much  here

 

chesirecat: oh fuck off you steamed chinese bun

 

guccibitch: we're insulting each others looks now

guccibitch: because holy shit, I have to tell a lot about your broccoli hair sehun

 

senshine: why am I suddenly the victim

senshine: isnt this baekhyuns job

 

victim: dont bring me into this

victim: im not the traitor

 

divorced: this group is too much for

divorced: its literally a fucking train wreck

 

accident: but honestly junmyeon

accident: didnt we all see it coming

 

divorced: THATS THE PROBLEM

divorced: WE KNEW IT

divorced: AND WE STILL LET IT HAPPEN WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING

 

adopted: but

adopted: wasnt it the same with kris

adopted: like we all saw him going coming

adopted: and we still let it happen without doing anything 

adopted: bc we knew it would turn better without him?

 

accident: in all honesty

accident: what did I ever do to you

 

adopted: you were born

 

accident: I-

accident: forget it

accident: I give up

 

guccibitch: wow chanyeol u broke him

guccibitch: u arent able to do anything right arent u

 

adopted: watch out mister

adopted: I may not be that good at fighting

adopted: but I can break you nose faster than you can spell gucci bitch

 

guccibitch: try and fite me

 

adopted: you bet your ass I will

 

guccibitch: after class, 5 pm at mine

 

deer: literally tao

deer: how dumb can you be

 

guccibitch: what?

 

deer: he lives in a different country

 

guccibitch: …

guccibitch: uhhh

 

divorced: you were the cumshot I should have swallowed

 

deer: he was the cumshot that should have stayed in korea 

 

_guccibitch changed deer's name to twink_

 

guccibitch: eat shit you fucking thai

 

twink: im chinese

twink: and I thought you knew that

 

victim:  **sends pic from chanyeol googling “how to delete an actual person from existence”**

 

guccibitch: ….

guccibitch: I give up on life

guccibitch: chanyeol u broke me too

guccibitch: are u happy now?

 

adopted: finally 

adopted: it was about time

 

divorced: what kids have I raised

 

deer: with kris genes

deer: what did you expect

deer: models?

 

divorced: no

divorced: socially acceptable ppl

divorced: but if I look at their father

divorced: it doesnt seem so unexplainable anymore why they turned out like this

 

accident: like what?

 

divorced: like you

divorced: socially ineligible

 

accident: I feel offended

 

divorced: and I feel sexually starved

divorced: look who's fault it is :)

 

accident: bitch

 

divorced: no sorry thats your boyfriend

 

guccibitch: wtf mom

guccibitch: what did I do

 

divorced: u arent my child anymore

divorced: when your father aka asshole and i got divorced he got the twink and gucci (and his affair)

divorced: and I got the rest

 

guccibitch: wow thanks for reducing me to just gucci 

guccibitch: but what do you mean with “affair”?

 

divorced: yixing.

 

accident: there was nothing

accident: he was just staying over during that time bc he had nowhere to go

accident: and thanks to reducing me to just “an asshole”

 

guccibitch: oh believe me 

guccibitch: you're a lot more

 

accident: like what?

 

guccibitch: like that :)

 

_guccibitch changed accident's name to single._

 


	3. Foundation shades and a lot of drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> victim: so  
> victim: you're basically telling me  
> victim: that you wore the wrong foundation shade for literally the whole high school
> 
> guccibitch: maybe
> 
> victim: are there pictures
> 
> guccibitch: yes
> 
> victim: who has them
> 
> senshine: me
> 
> victim: hoeforlife@gmail.com  
> victim: send them  
> victim: i'll pay you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel sorry for kfc (im not doing ads for them i promise)

twink: well

twink: whazz popping gays

 

adopted: my lovely luhan

adopted: I love you and all

adopted: but if you ever write whazz popping gays again

adopted: i'll end your entire family

 

twink: come visit me in china then

twink: try me

 

guccibitch: …

 

twink: no tao i'm still not thai

twink: i'm motherfucking chinese

twink: like i'm very proud of my beijing accent

 

guccibitch: but you look so thai tho…

 

twink: I do not

twink: you literally looked like a spaniard in highschool

twink: with your five shades too dark foundation

 

dumb&dumber: two things

dumb&dumber: how does someone look thai

dumb&dumber: and tao and wrong foundation???

 

imported: believe me it was hilarious

imported: we told him so often that this foundation was way too dark for him

imported: but he just brushed it off like “bitch I know whats good for skin”

 

guccibitch: this did never happen

 

single: oh beauty it did

 

guccibitch: youre doing everything to stay single don't you?

 

single: no

single: wtf

 

divorced: I can relate

divorced: so fucking much

 

guccibitch: nobody asked you bitch

 

divorced: nobody asked you to go back to china too

 

divorced: and you still did it

divorced: shit, isn't it?

 

adopted: guys

adopted: baekhyun next to me is basically dying form laughter

adopted: we're in public

adopted: why is he like this

 

victim: stfu

 

adopted: what are you

adopted: 13?

 

victim: on a scale from one to 10 yes

 

senshine: literally

senshine: burn in hell

 

adopted: welp

adopted: what did I do to deserve that

 

victim: well

victim: don't play with the fire if you can't handle the burn

 

chesirecat: I kind of feel you chanyeol

chesirecat: you literally got the most savage boyfriend in this uni

chesirecat: excluding minseok and my men

 

twink: can we go back to roasting tao

twink: it was more interesting

 

victim: so

victim: you're basically telling me

victim: that you wore the wrong foundation shade for literally the whole high school

 

guccibitch: maybe

 

victim: are there pictures

 

guccibitch: yes

 

victim: who has them

 

senshine: me

 

victim: hoeforlife@gmail.com

victim: send them

victim: i'll pay you

 

guccibitch: ffs what did I do wrong in life

 

divorced: everything

 

guccibitch: and I called you mother before

 

divorced: and I called Kris my husband before

divorced: guess we were both wrong

 

guccibitch: fuck you

 

imported: been there, done that

 

single: literally no one asked you

 

imported: same goes for you

imported: i'm so glad my exchange semester in china is going to an end soon

 

twink: it's not like we missed you either

twink: bitch

 

baozi: I regret this

baozi: log off, I want to have phone sex

 

_baozi logged off_

 

twink: does he always have to be so forward?

 

_twink logged of_

 

satan: what did I sign up for here

satan: where's my baby

satan: someone tell him dinner's ready

 

chesirecat: already on my way~

 

_chesirecat and satan logged off_

 

senshine: I thought junmyeon was the mom

senshine: guess I was wrong

 

divorced: just because I cant cook for shit doesnt mean im a bad mom

 

guccibitch: believe me

guccibitch: you are

 

_divorced changed guccibitch's name to igetlonely_

 

single: payback bitch

 

igetlonely: you really want to sleep outside tonight dont you

 

dumb&dumber: wowwowow

dumb&dumber: just because he fucked up doesnt mean he has to be castrated right

 

igetlonely: I was about to tell you that it literally means sleeping outside

igetlonely: but thats a great idea too

 

adopted: why are you all like this

 

victim: shall I remind you of that food fight yesterday

victim: I still have spaghetti in my shirt

 

senshine: how tf did you play food fight

senshine: draping spaghetti over each other while fucking isn't a food fight

 

victim: I DO NOT HAVE A FOOD KINK

victim: THATS A FUCKING LIE

 

adopted: oh baby

adopted: we all know its not

 

victim: shut up you twink

 

adopted: the twink you love

 

victim: sadly thats a yes

 

imported: you two are too gross

imported: I cant handle that

 

_imported logged off_

 

divorced: you scared him away :c

 

victim: oh fuck off junmyeon

victim: go get ur man

 

_divorced logged off_

 

senshine: jongin

 

dumb&dumber: yes?

 

senshine: one question

senshine: why is a picture of you running into the office from kfc's ceo in the news

senshine: and why are your arms full with kfc buckets

 

dumb&dumber: I just tried to get a job and show them my love for their chicken

 

igetlonely: omg just saw the news

igetlonely: “mysterious and beautiful stranger storming kfc's ceo office”

igetlonely: "he's in his mid twenties and has a face of a goddess"

igetlonely: "my job as a reporter just got a lot more interesting"

igetlonely: “informations about the psycho stranger under this number: 550….”

 

victim: OMG BAHAHAH

victim: DID THE REPORTER JUST SAY THAT HES ALSO ON TINDER

victim: “if he may be interested, my profile name is johnnylicious”

 

senshine: actually

senshine: he wouldnt even be a bad catch

senshine: the problem is that he's totally out of jongins league

 

dumb&dumber: literally what did I do

 

senshine: dump me you asshole

senshine: and nearly got arrested

 

single: go for it jongin

single: hes a nice catch son

 

dumb&dumber: im not your fucking son anymore bitch

dumb&dumber: dont even try

 

single: its not i'd like you to be my son

single: i'd like to have mentally healthy kids

single: your obsession with chicken kind of escalated

 

dumb&dumber: it didnt

dumb&dumber: I just needed a job

 

victim: youre literally rich af

 

dumb&dumber: dad quitted my money after the last time I got drugged with mdma

dumb&dumber: says I need to get my life under control

dumb&dumber: and a job

 

senshine: believe me when I tell you

senshine: that storming into someones office

senshine: with your arms full of chicken

senshine: definitely wont get you one

 

adopted: well

adopted: dont be so sure

adopted: the reporter just said that kfc searches for the stranger bc they want him as the right hand of the ceo

 

victim: I quote johnny while he's quoting the ceo

victim: “someone who has so much love left for our chicken and is so excited about getting to work here is definitely in the right spirits to get a job here. We could never find a better match for our chicken”

 

dumb&dumber: sehun

dumb&dumber: try me

dumb&dumber: I have a call to make brb

dumb&dumber: i have business now

 

_dumb &dumber logged off_

 

senshine: I cant believe that worked

senshine: why cant I have such luck one time

senshine: I just want him to accept my love

 

_senshine logged off_

 

victim: am I the only one who thinks sehun has been a bit down lately?

 

single: you mean more salty than usual?

 

Victim: yes

victim: but like

victim: we should help him

 

adopted: yeah

adopted: mission “cheering up oh sehun” has started

adopted: so, whats our first step

 

igetlonely: getting jongin and sehun together

igetlonely: but thats your job I cant do much from china beside talking about it with sehun

 

adopted: i'll take him out on ice cream

 

victim: i'll try to show jongin how much more sehun is than a fuckbuddy

 

single: well

single: im just gonna be myself

 

igetlonely: being an asshole?

 

adopted: yeah thats what hes great at

 

single: can you all let me live for one time?

 

adopted: no

 

igetlonely: no

 

victim: no

 

single: **sighs**

 

_adopted, single, victim and igetlonely logged off_

 

_dumb &dumber logged in_

 

_dumb &dumber changed his name to runningkfc_

 

_runningkfc logged off_


	4. Carnival and bleach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> adopted: soooo  
> adopted: this friend of mine in germany introduced me to carnival  
> adopted: and y'all should know that we're going to definitely celebrate it this year
> 
> imported: tf is a carnival  
> imported: and wth does it include
> 
> adopted: well its simple  
> adopted: its a christian fest  
> adopted: but nowadays it basically just involves costumes and a lot of alcohol
> 
> runningkfc: we're fucked

_Everyone logged in_

 

victim: guys

victim: guyyyyys

victim: gaaaays

 

chesirecat: yes istg

chesirecat: can you shut up baek

 

victim: no

victim: but like

victim: I need your help with chan

 

satan: why?

satan: is he finally dumping you

satan: I never understood anyway what he saw in you

 

victim: dont get ur hopes up bitch

victim: I’d be the one who’d dump him

victim: but he has been chatting with a friend lately

victim: and I kind of know that it wont turn out good

 

adopted: soooo

 

senshine: talking about the devil

 

adopted: this friend of mine in germany introduced me to carnival

adopted: and y'all should know that we're going to definitely celebrate it this year

 

imported: tf is a carnival

imported: and wth does it include

 

adopted: well its simple

adopted: its a christian fest

adopted: but nowadays it basically just involves costumes and a lot of alcohol

 

runningkfc: we're fucked

 

divorced: Carnival is a Western Christian and Greek Orthodox festive season that occurs before the liturgical season of Lent. The main events typically occur during February or early March, during the period historically known as Shrovetide

 

single: you literally just paste and copied that from wikipedia

 

divorced: yeah I did

divorced: you have a problem with that?

 

single: no

single: it’s just the fact that you arent smart enough to know it by urself

 

senshine: bitch as if youre smart

senshine: youre not really a sexy brain man

senshine: and you also never had the image for it

 

single: well excuse me

single: I could definitely be a sexy brain man

 

igetlonely: honey

igetlonely: you dont even know how to spell “intelligence”

 

single: I do

single: I just like to keep the secret of how to spell it to myself

 

baozi: *for

 

single: oh shut up you kitten on steriods

 

baozi: well

baozi: I may look like a kitten on steriods

baozi: but at least I have muscles you lanky ass

 

twink: #manly

 

single: liar

 

adopted: who even let him into this group chat?

 

runningkfc: arent you the one that started this?

runningkfc: like, its your fault

 

victim: and arent you the one who dumped sehun?

victim: like, its your fault

 

runningkfc: oh shut up

 

senshine: no no

senshine: I like group bashing jongin

 

single: but I dont

single I want to know more about carnival

 

adopted: if y’all let me talk for a single second

adopted: I would

 

chesirecat: no ones holding you back chanyeol

chesirecat: spill the tea

 

adopted: so apparently

adopted: a lot people (she’s 16) just go out in costumes and get shitfaced af

adopted: thats carnival in germany basically

adopted: an excuse to drink (I like that)

 

divorced: but like wtf???

divorced: she’s 16??????

divorced: shes a minor she isnt allowed to drink yet

 

adopted: no its different in germany

adopted: basically youre allowed to drink wine and beer at the age of 16

adopted: and liquor at the age of 18

 

imported: I dunno if I like that…

imported: but its her life she can do what she wants

imported: and its legal so

 

divorced: but I still dont like the idea of her drinking

 

victim: I get your point but I think she’s mature enough to decide if she wants to drink

victim: it’s not like she can get any harder drinks anyway

 

satan: wow okay

satan: that were like the most mature words i’ve heard from baekhyun for a year

 

baozi: probably in his whole life apparently

 

victim: oh fuck you

victim: im mature I just dont like to show it

 

igetlonely: same goes for kris

 

single: why are your dragging me into this

 

igetlonely: stfu you intellectual nobody asked you

 

single: what did I even do???

 

divorced: exist.

 

single: oh fuck you

 

imported: ….

imported: I shut it

 

runningkfc: but like guys

runningkfc: as what are you going on carnival then

runningkfc: that seems important

 

senshine: as myself

 

satan: we’re going out for carnival and not for halloween

 

senshine: fuck you

 

runningkfc: well I think its clear im going as chicken

runningkfc: I need to express my love at the best time

 

senshine: someone help him

senshine: I give up

 

victim: great going jongin your broke him

victim: but like im going as

 

single: a mistake?

 

victim: no im not going to dress up as you

 

imported: *whispers* dont play with the fire if you cant handle the burn

 

single: fuck you

 

imported: why cant you bleach peoples throat through phone yet??

 

twink: id gladly support that

 

imported: what did I do

 

twink: pay my shipping to china

twink: asshole

 

imported: sorry, but you were just the right size

imported: okay scratch that im not sorry

 

igetlonely: well Im going as a school girl

igetlonely: I finally get to wear a skirt outside yaay

 

single: no youre not

single: skirts are not my style

 

igetlonely: bitch

igetlonely: having style is not your style

 

single: im fucking leaving

 

divorced: honey you already did

 

_single logged off_

igetlonely: why cant you take him back junmyeon

 

divorced: you wanted him

 

igetlonely: I know but he gets so annoying after a while

igetlonely: its really unbearable

 

divorced: your problem not mine

 

twink: but hes your husband

 

divorced: *was

divorced: I really had a horrible taste in man

 

imported: im glad it got better

 

divorced: I miss you baby

divorced: skype?

 

imported: sorry, but I have no time :(

imported: in the evening okay?

 

divorced: it’s fine :)

 

_divorced logged off_

adopted: they are so gross together

adopted: I hate it

 

runningkfc: you and baekhyun arent a single bit better

runningkfc: you fucked in my kitchen just saying

 

senshine: what

senshine: you never told me

senshine: I ATE THERE YESTERDAY

 

runningkfc: I wanted to tell you

runningkfc: but then you already had started eating

runningkfc: and I didnt consider it important anymore

 

senshine: time to wash my mouth with soap

 

_senshine logged off_

 

victim: oh jongin

victim: youre so dumb

 

runningkfc: I know

 

victim: go and confess your feelings for him already

victim: it doesnt take so much

 

runningkfc: I know

 

_runningkfc logged off_

adopted: what

 

twink: wait how

 

victim: I have my ways bitch

victim: it only took a lot of ice cream and chicken and three hours of talking

victim: and maybe some byun’s special magic

victim: and he was in my arms crying about how much he loves sehun

 

igetlonely: are you a wizard or something?

 

victim: I just know how to work my magic ;)

 

baozi: I think this is the point where we all get going

 

twink: yes

 

_igetlonely, adopted, twink and baozi logged off_

satan: okay but

satan: did they forget we were still on?

 

chesirecat: apparently

chesirecat: but now we’re finally alone ;)

 

satan: you and your kinky shit istg

satan: one day youre going to be my death

 

chesirecat: but you love me and you know that

 

satan: sadly

satan: I do

 

chesirecat: come over

 

chesirecat: the door is unlocked and I have your favourite butt plug in

 

satan: im running

 

_chesirecat and satan logged off_

imported: wtf

imported: time to bleach my eyes

 

_imported logged off_


	5. Yixing and the kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> imported: can i add a few ppl?
> 
> runningkfc: no.
> 
> imported: fuck you I'll do it anyway
> 
> (or some of the idolproducer kids get added)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> adopted: chanyeol  
> imported: yixing  
> runningkfc: jongin  
> senshine: sehun  
> single: kris  
> divorced: junmyeon  
> igetlonely: tao  
> chesirecat: jongdae  
> satan: kyungsoo  
> victim: baekhyun  
> baozi: minseok  
> twink: luhan
> 
> garbageflirter: yanjun  
> violentfairy: zhengting  
> whippedforzeren/sleepingonthecouchtonight: wenjun  
> whippedforwenjun/sooncastrated: zeren  
> iswearitsnotmygrindrprofile: chengcheng  
> daddymaterial/notachild: justin  
> zhou rui: zhou rui  
> brushyourteeth: yanchen  
> dreads: xiao gui  
> grandpa1/brrkeke: qin fen  
> grandpa2/pinkdildo: yue yue  
> tinderforfood: zhangjing  
> sailormoon: zimo

adopted: omg guys helllooooowww!

 

Twink: oh no fuck you

twink: I thought this chat was finally dead

 

adopted: id raise from hell just to annoy you

adopted: so no

 

baozi: but we didnt miss you

baozi: I didnt miss any of you tbh

 

single: same

 

victim: you have no right to speak you ching chong bitch

 

single: excuse me please

single: im half ching chong half eng subs so fuck you

 

adopted: **regrets everything**

 

divorced: I regret you, honestly

 

adopted: what did I do to deserve this disrespect

adopted: okay actually please dont answer that one

 

runningkfc: better it is

runningkfc: bc I have a whole fucking list

 

senshine: what do I even see in him?

 

runningkfc: nothing I would know about

 

imported: this is kind of out of topic

imported: but can I add a few ppl?

 

runningkfc: no.

 

imported: bitch I dont need your permission to do shit

 

runningkfc: why did you even ask then?

 

Imported: bc I like to see you suffering

 

_Imported added garbageflirter, violentfairy, daddymaterial, dreads, grandpa1, grandpa2, tinderforfood, iswearitsnotmygrindrprofile, brushyourteeth, whippedforwenjun, whippedforzeren, zhou rui, sailormoon_

 

runningkfc: oh fuck you

 

imported: language, justins only 16

daddymaterial:….

 

_Daddymaterial changed his name to notachild_

 

notachild:….

 

Violentfairy: istg im so done with him yixing you can keep him

 

imported: no thanks i’ve been living with overgrown childs for too long

imported: actually I know kris, he just sums everything up

 

single: did I ever tell you that we should have left you in china

 

imported: great then im closer to see you suffer :)

 

tinderforfood: is it always like this?….

 

Victim: yes but you get used to it after a while

victim: and its great to have ppl around who are as dumb as chanyeol, they make me feel smart

 

adopted: istg im not dumb

 

garbageflirter: arent you the one dumbo who hit himself with a ball in the face once?

 

Adopted:….

Adopted: touché

 

garbageflirter: :)

 

twink: its nice to see you all being so friendly with each other but maybe you should introduce yourself at least

 

violentfairy: I told you this would be a bad idea but fine

violentfairy: Im zhengting

 

notachild: sup bitches im justin

 

zhou rui: zhengting collect ur kids

zhou rui: my name explains itself

 

brushyourteeth:…

brushyourteeth: well im yanchen

 

twink: NO WAY

twink: ZHOU YANCHEN

twink: PLEASE TELL ME UR GAY

 

brushyourteeth: yes wtf?

Twink: **ship is sailing**

 

igetlonely: before you ask

igetlonely: hes a fanboy dont come close or hell bite you

 

brushyourteeth: actually hes pretty hot and I dont have anything against hot guys biting me

 

baozi: but I have :)

 

igetlonely: one advice

igetlonely: run

 

brushyourteeth: zhengting this was a fucking bad idea

brushyourteeth: I came here to live not for being sued

 

tinderforfood: nobodys interested in your emo phase yanchen

tinderforfood: let move on, I’m Zhangjing

tinderforfood: im interested in singing, eating and definitely not lin yanjun

 

garbageflirter: thats my point ;)

garbageflirter: im lin yanjun, single, hot, interested in rapping, dancing and well You Zhangjing’s ass

 

tinderforfood: istg yanjun if you mention my ass one more time im gonna sue

 

garbageflirter: what you gonna do

garbageflirter: throw food at me?

garbageflirter: you cant fight for shit

 

whippedforwenjun: but I can and whoever sues Zhangjing also sues me

whippedforwenjun: and when I find the person who made this username

whippedforwenjun: I advice you one thing

whippedforwenjun: hide in the darkest corner or ill end your entire bloodline

 

whippedforzeren: honey its not that bad

whippedforzeren: just admit that you love me

 

_whippedforwenjun has changed whippedforzeren’s username to sleepingonthecouchtonight_

 

sleepingonthecouchtonight: oh fuck you, two can play this game

 

_sleepingonthecouchtonight has changed whippedforwenjun’s username to sooncastrated_

 

sooncastrated: but you’re such a bottom tho

 

 _sleepingonthecouchtonight has left the chat_.

 

sooncastrated: :)

 

violentfairy: I hate my kids

iswearitsnotmygrindrprofile: mom we’re all adopted

 

violentfairy: I swear this is the first time I see chengcheng using proper grammar

violentfairy: why cant he be smart like xiao gui

 

zhou rui: because xiao gui is not your kid

zhou rui: and you know

zhou rui: they say it runs in the family

 

violentfairy: be glad you live too far away or I would personally strangle you right not

 

zhou rui: with what

zhou rui: fairy dust?

 

Adopted: yixing you regret it now?

 

Imported: i’d never, this is great honestly

 

notachild: yes but only because youre the one watching and not the one getting sued

 

grandpa1: why am I even here?

Grandpa1: I only know jackson

 

grandpa2: I dont wanted to be alone

 

dreads: yue yue youre always alone

dreads: at least qin fen has zimo

 

grandpa1: its not like I ever wanted him

grandpa1: he was just there one day and didnt go away anymore

 

sailormoon: …

sailormoon: you know I can hear you?

 

Grandpa1: I do cockward

grandpa1: but I saw you sneaking out yesterday so you deserve it

 

grandpa2: let this kid live hes young

grandpa2: dont you remember form your own youth?

 

Grandpa1: yes because I actually had one

grandpa1: I wasnt born old like you

 

_grandpa2 changed grandpa1’s name to brrkeke_

 

brrkeke: oh fuck you too yue yue

brrkeke: it was one time asshole

 

_brrkeke changed grandpa2’s name to pinkdildo_

sooncastrated: serves you right

 

pinkdildo: what did I ever do to you?

 

sooncastrated: nothing I just like to see people suffering

 

pinkdildo: ZHU ZHENGTING COLLECT YOUR FUCKING KIDS

 

_pinkdildo has left the chat_

 

divorced: i’d say language but I gave up a long time ago

 

garbageflirter: honestly this is a mess

 

senshine: no actually its great not to be the victim for once

 

victim: sehun you’re never the victim

victim: ur usually the bully

 

senshine: I admit that kris is a loser and youre one too

senshine: but im a victim

senshine: A VICTIM OF THE SYSTEM

 

adopted: junmyeon did you let him watch those old communism videos again?

 

Divorced: man I dont know

 

chesirecat: no I have them but you theres something called internet right?

 

Satan: actually, I dont think sehun’s smart enough to know how to properly use it

 

tinderforfood: I dont want this anymore

tinderforfood: im leaving

 

garbageflirter: seconded

 

iswearitsnotmygrindrprofile: thirded?

 

_tinderforfood, garbageflirter and iswearitsnotmygrindrprofile have left the chat_

 

violentfairy: I think I have to talk with chengcheng about his username

 

_violentfairy has left the chat_

 

dreads: I go and catch some actual sleep its fucking 3 am

dreads: wth is even wrong with you to be awake at this hour?

 

Brushyourteeth: I could ask you the same

 

dreads: touché

 

sailormoon: we all use this word too often

sailormoon: but now ill send you to sleep with my honeymoon therapy!

 

_everyone has left the chat_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
